


Fuck fear

by softmialanna



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Coming Out, Emotionally Repressed, Falling In Love, Fear of Discovery, Feelings Realization, First Dance, First Dates, First Kiss, First Love, Getting Together, Internalized Homophobia, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-30
Updated: 2020-04-30
Packaged: 2021-03-01 21:15:37
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,991
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23933680
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/softmialanna/pseuds/softmialanna
Summary: When Fred Weasley entered his sixth year, he was convinced that it was completely common for a boy to be struck by the attractiveness of his best mate for a moment, that it was a perfectly mundane sign of a platonical relationship. But he soon realised that his observations about Lee's beautiful lips, sparkly eyes and warming smile were growing more and more present in his mind as each day passed. As the Winter Formal was getting closer, it became clear that this year would be decisive for the future of his relationship with Lee.
Relationships: Lee Jordan/Fred Weasley
Comments: 6
Kudos: 88





	Fuck fear

_Lee has wonderful lips._

Fred had noticed that for the first time when he was studying for his OWLs with Lee and George. No matter how hard he had tried to focus on his classes, his thoughts kept coming back to Lee’s lips. Perhaps that’s why he did so poorly.

Lee’s lips did not leave his mind after the end of his fifth year. In fact, the thought of Lee became more and more intoxicating during the summer that followed. Fred found himself wishing his friend was here with him often. But the young man tried not to worry about that. It is natural for a teenage boy to think about his best friend. Surely, George missed their mate just as much as Fred did.

Then came the 1st of September 1994. When the twins met Lee at the Platform, the boy ran to them, and gave them a warm hello. Fred found himself drawn to those lips again, more intensely than he had been last year.

_Lee has wonderful lips. I wonder how it would feel to kiss him._

He brushed off that thought the moment he got it. He didn’t want to kiss Lee, really. He just got curious for a second. Just a single second, yes. But as Fred decided that this was not worth freaking out over, he found out that behaving naturally around his friend was getting nearly impossible as time passed. His so called curiosity about Lee soon started showing up in his dreams, his late night thoughts, his daily internal monologue, and really anywhere and anytime. It had turned from mere curiosity to a strange desire that the teenage boy was trying to keep shut.

When December came, Fred casually asked Angelina Johnson to go to the ball with him.

“I didn’t know you had a thing for Angelina.” George said, as they were chatting in the dormitory. He was sitting on Fred’s bed, in front of his brother, looking at the empty wall behind his twin.

“I don’t have a thing for Angelina. We’re friends.” He answered.

George sighed, put his legs on the mattress, sunk into a brooding silence and threw reproachful stares to his twin now and then.

“What’s happening to you ?” Fred inquired.

“You’re lying to me” His brother stated.

“What ? No I’m not ! I don’t have feelings for her, I told you.”

“But you do have feelings for someone, do you? I can see it, you know. It just annoys me that you don’t want to tell me who it is” George replied.

Fred was flustered. He could feel his cheeks warming. He tried to force himself to form words, wanting to tell his brother that he was right, that it was Lee, that he didn’t know what to do about it and that, most of all, he was completely lost and freaking out over it. But when he had finally stopped stuttering and had started to confess, the person involved threw himself on his bed, or rather tried to. Half of his body ended up outside the bed, and his head ended up resting in front of Fred’s legs.

_So close. Oh Merlin, why does he have to be so close?_

“Having a party without me ?” Lee asked.

Fred forced himself to chuckle lightly. George rolled his eyes and left the bed, still visibly angry at his twin.

“So you and Angelina ?” his mate inquired, staring intensely at Fred.

“We’re… we’re just going as friends” Fred answered nervously.

“You liar! You’re blushing”

Lee’s remark made his cheeks burn even harder. Or was it his proximity? Either way, Fred stood there, a speechless fool. His friend noticed his unusual discomfort. The young man sat down on his bed, seemingly worried, and asked something. But the lovesick boy wasn’t listening. He had found himself drawn to those forsaken lips. And he just couldn’t take it anymore. He placed his hands on both sides of Lee’s face, feeling the warmth of his skins against his palms, and placed a clumsy kiss on his friend’s lips. Fred dived deeply into the sweet second of pure tenderness, closing his eyes and abandoning himself to the warmth spreading in all his body. But then, reality struck hard, like an aching spear of fear and shame.

_Oh no. What did I do ?_

He abruptly detached his mouth from Lee’s, breathless. His friend slowly opened his eyes.

“Fred, I…” he murmured

“No, don’t say anything… I-I should… go. Yeah, I’ll go.” The boy stuttered.

“Fred, wait !” Lee answered.

But he had already ran away from him, and took shelter in his twin’s bed.

_What did I do ?_

George welcomed him with a cold silence.

_I’ve ruined everything._

Fred felt like he was collapsing. He put his hand on his chest, to feel his heart battling to escape from his body. Soon, his brother noticed his uneasiness, and put a reassuring hand on his shoulder. The boy forced himself to take deep breathes. He finally gathered the courage to spit the words that George was waiting to hear, not so long ago.

“You were right.” Fred told him

“About what ?”

“About me having a thing for somebody” he confessed

“It’s not Angie, isn’t it ?”

“No.”

George released a little sigh when he answered. Fred took an even deeper breath, but even then, his next words came out as a strangled whisper.

“It’s Lee.” He mumbled, before looking nervously in his brother’s direction.

A very heavy silence weighted upon them while Fred was anxiously waiting for a reaction.

“Since when ?” the boy asked.

“I don’t know. Six months, maybe.” His twin answered.

“Oh. And does he know?”

“Well he does, now.” Fred said.

George raised an inquiring eyebrow and his brother read through his expression.

“I kissed him, then I panicked and I fled” the young man whispered.

“Then go back.”

Fred looked at his twin as if he had lost his mind. He laughed unhappily and buried his face in his hands, secretly hoping that this was all a nightmare and that he would wake up in his bed, having never tasted his crush’s lips.

“I can’t” he mumbled.

“Come on, you’re braver than that” George argued.

“No, I’m not.”

“You don’t have much of a choice there, mate !” his brother declared.

He pushed him away from his bed and closed the curtains. When Fred tried to open them, he found out that his twin had charmed the curtains to stay closed. The young man cursed his twin and resolved to go back to his couch, although he did find himself to have a silly behaviour, lurking behind the curtains to make sure that Lee had left and that he would avoid the dreaded confrontation. Still, when he laid under his blanket and buried his head in his pillow, disappointment and frustration clouded his thoughts. George was right, he was braver than that, or so he believed.

The weeks separating this damned night from the Winter Formal seemed to be cursed as a following of awkward moments between Lee and him, as both the teenagers seemed determined to spend as little time alone as they could, as well as not address what had happened. Yet they couldn’t avoid sitting next to each other in some classes, without drawing questions from their classmates, who had noticed the tension in the usually cheerful trio. Therefore, Fred had to sit through 2 hours of Charms every Monday afternoon with his beloved right next to him, having to act like nothing was wrong at all, although his cheeks always seemed to get more red in this class.

This day, the young man was trying to focus as much as he could on Flitwick’s lesson when he felt fingers brushing against his hand. The teenage boy gave an anxious look to his left, already knowing who was the source of this. Indeed, those were Lee’s hand touching his. Fred felt his whole body warming up and could only imagine the redness of his face at the moment. His friend was clearly doing this of his own free will. He refused to watch in his direction while still touching his hand. Did he have any idea how much confusion he was causing him? His behaviour angered Fred who suddenly decided to withdraw his hand, which made Lee frown, but at least the boy stopped. A few moments later, he briefly felt something brushing his upper leg , and although he tried to act as if he didn’t care, he found himself holding his breath and shivering at the thought of Lee touching him in in this way. When he inspected what happened below the desk, he found a paper waiting for him on his thigh, and when he raised his gaze to watch his crush, he only saw his back, as Lee was carefully watching their Charm teacher. Fred discreetly opened the paper.

“ _I’ll be in the Commentary Box, the night of the Winter Formal, at midnight._

_-Lee”_

He closed the paper and kept it firmly packed in his hand. When night came, he found himself in his bed, reading the word, over and over. _The Commentary Box_. His heart made up all sorts of romantic fantasies, which he shut down as soon as they reached his brain. Lee probably set a date there so he could let him down without embarrassing him publicly. Five days separated him from the Winter Ball, and this date had just become a day he dreaded and waited for at the same time. Fred spent those five days debating with George on what he should do. His brother insisted that he had to go, while Fred grew more scared as each day passed.

The feared day came sooner than Fred would have liked, and although his brother tried to cheer him on by saying that at least, it would be settled, the boy was white with terror. His twin seemed more optimistic than him.

“There’s no way he set up a date, at midnight just to reject you.” He whispered, for the hundredth time this week, while helping Fred out with his tie.

George made sense, but it did never seem to reach his brother’s mind through the thick coat of dread that was protecting it. The first part of the night unfolded like a mirage. Fred’s thought were so clouded with apprehension that he ended up incapable to form any meaningful memory of it. Nevertheless, he would still be able to detail everything that had happened between 11.50 and the end of the night.  
  
At this precise time, he was dancing with Angelina, cheerfully chatting with her, when his eyes locked with Lee. The boy was leaning onto the wall on his left, carefully watching him with a sparkle of what Fred interpreted as anger, sadness, or even a little bit of both, in his eyes. His date for the Winter Formal was still talking to him, but he had lost the thread of their conversation, and instead nodded absent-mindedly, until he forced himself to detach his eyes from Lee’s and focus on Angelina, although he had no idea about what she was saying. The girl then abruptly stopped talking and starred at something behind her dance partner. Fred took advantage of that brief moment to focus on Lee again, but was disappointed to find out that the object of his infatuation had disappeared.

“It’s almost midnight” she stated.

“Oh, apparently.”

“I don’t see Alicia anywhere. I should go check on her.”

She didn’t let him protest and almost vanished from his sight the second she said that. Soon enough, the reassuring arm of his twin found its way around his shoulder. George was swiftly directing him toward the door while politely smiling at some Dumstrang students

“You, my friend, have a date to attend to.” He whispered

Fred weakly protested, saying that Angelina was going to worry when she came back, but his brother promised to deal with her.

“I’m sure she knows something about it anyway. It’s strange that she suddenly worries about Alicia at midnight, when you just happen to have your secret date.” George analyzed.

The teenage boy found himself obliged to go to the Commentary Box, his legs shivering and his palms sweating.

_Let’s just get this over with. I’m going to apologize, say I was just confused, that we’re friends and that I understand that he doesn’t want to be more than that. That’s good._

_  
_ He practiced his little speech over and over up until the moment he stepped into the Commentary Box. Lee was gazing at the view. He seemed relaxed from afar, but he manically tapped his right foot against the floor. Fred silently went next to him. He tried to speak up, but the first time, he found himself out of breath by the mere presence of his lover next to him. The second time, Lee started talking before he could form words.

“I’ve always liked watching you play Quidditch from there.”

“Really?” Fred meekly inquired.

“Yeah. You play bravely. You make some bold moves, like you always do. I wish I could be as bold as you”

Lee detached his eyes from the Quidditch field and started staring at Fred while explaining that. In return, the Weasley boy tried as much as he could to stare back into his eyes without getting lost in their proximity. This proved to be very, very hard.

“You’re brave too.” Fred argued.

“I don’t think so. I wasn’t brave enough to ask you to dance back there. I was stuck looking at you sway with Angelina, like a jealous fool”

“Jealous?” the teenager tried to ask playfully. Truth is, he couldn’t believe what he was hearing.

“Mmh.” His beloved nodded. He had started to play with Fred’s tie, in a clumsy attempt to bring him closer. But the young man didn’t pick up the awkwardness of that action. In fact, he found it quite charming.

“ If I danced with you now, would it ease your jealousy?” Fred heard himself asking, sounding much more confident than he truly was.

“I don’t know, why don’t we try and see?” Lee chuckled lightly.

He then placed his arms around Fred’s waist, as the boy let his go around his partners shoulders. And they swayed to the sound of a winter night, gradually getting closer to each other, to the point where their noses were regularly bumping into each other. Lee then broke the peaceful silence.

“You’re still the bolder one here.” He declared.

“What makes you say that ?” the other boy questioned.

“I wasn’t brave enough to kiss you first.”

Fred found himself stuttering. He thanked Merlin over and over for the darkness around them, as he was positively sure that even his ears were red.

“Then kiss me now.” He said, practically begging for Lee’s lips against his.

The moon brought a little bit of light on his beloved’s face, and the young man felt oh so lucky to catch the glimpse of a timid smile there. Lee shyly nodded and awkwardly moved his face closer to Fred’s. He then miserably failed his attempt by violently bumping into Fred’s nose with his own, which made the redhead boy chuckle.

“Don’t mock me, I can’t see a bloody thing up here.”

“Alright, alright, I’m sorry” Fred answered, still laughing.

Lee took advantage of this sweet moment of inattention to place an innocent yet loving kiss on the boy’s lips. It immediately silenced the teenager, who began to enjoy every millisecond of that sweet embrace.

_Merlin, he really is kissing me._

He softly put one of his hands on Lee’s cheek, and the other one on the back of his neck while sweetly reciprocating his kiss, letting the warmth of their infatuation warm up his frozen face, his hands, his whole body, fearlessly, and shamelessly, this time. When he felt Lee’s lips slowly ending their embrace, he began kissing him more ardently than ever, wresting a moan from his lover’s throat that was music to his ears.

But his beloved soon ended their second embrace, breathless. Fred pouted, signifying his frustration.

“Come on, Fred, I have to breathe”

The teenage boy lightly chuckled, and buried his face in his sweetheart’s neck, enjoying the shivers he seemed to be provoking there, as he felt a short, yet significant break in his breath. Lee pulled him closer and tightly hugged him.

Fred didn’t want to stop kissing his lover. Not now, not ever. He wanted his warmth forever, and selfishly enough, for him alone, or else he will freeze to death. He wanted to kiss, again and again, as if his days were numbered.

They peacefully swayed, in silence until he gathered the courage to speak.

“I want to be with you, Lee.” He softly whispered in his beloved’s ear.

“You’re with me.”

“You know what I mean.”

Then they stopped talking again, but this time, the air was filled with Fred’s apprehension. He had heard teachers calling students to sleep. Soon, they would have a walk in the premises, and check the Commentary Box. The teenager was now worrying about his night ending on a bitter note. Lee seemed to have sensed it too. He embraced him with more strength than ever, and rushed to answer.

“I want to be with you too, it’s just… I’m just…”

“Scared ? Yeah, I get it. Me too.” Fred completed. ”So if you just don’t want, I totally understa-“ he started babbling, his voice getting strangled by disappointment

“No. No, no, no! I want to be brave enough.” Lee cut him off. He stopped swaying and started staring at Fred. “I want to be with you. Fuck fear. I’m… I’m brave enough. Yeah, I am. You do that to me.”

That made the young man smile. He hid himself in his now boyfriend’s neck.

“Fuck fear.” Lee repeated.

“Mmh.” Fred nodded, softly kissing his lover's skin. “Fuck fear.”


End file.
